Agreements and stories
At the moment, I have very good reason to look over my belief system – and more importantly, the stories I have about myself, and the agreements I have made with and about myself. The reason being the lump I found in my boob earlier this summer.
Two days ago, I was finally getting to have this lump checked with x-rays, ultrasound and a biopsi. The doctor performing the ultrasound thought the lump looked suspicious, so she ordered another magnet scan for next week, plus a meeting with a surgeon the week after that.
Made me a bit nervous, to tell the truth.
Naturally, all sorts of thoughts has been on my mind for couple of days. The funny thing, however, is that I’m less concerned about me and more about Molly and Boyo (if you don’t know who they are, I’m talking about my cat Molly and my dog Boyo). I’ve decided that I need to write my testament, for example.
Anyway; today I got a newsletter from Don Miguel Ruiz, which reminded me of his Toltec wisdom and the four agreements that he speaks so much of. And it got me thinking that HEY!!! While it’s true that both my parents and both my granddads and an uncle died from various cancers, that doesn’t have to be true for me. It doesn’t even have to mean that the lump in my boob is cancer.
So I decided, on the spot, to write this post and start making new agreements with myself, and creating a new story about me. I don’t have to tell the story to anyone but myself, but I think I’ll start creating a new story about me – a more positive one.
…
And the first agreement I am going to make with myself, is to remind myself on a daily basis that
I am a winner and one lucky star .
And let every day show me that I am, and let the luck vary in content so it never gets boring.
I’ll be writing more on that specifically, but not today. And I’ll stick to this agreement for couple of weeks or so before adding another (unless I come up with something amazing that I want to kickstart right away).
I think this whole thing, making new agreements and creating a new story about myself, is a great thing to do for myself. I have gone through a re-birth after all, and perhaps it’s time I started acting like it. And perhaps I need to do some more work on that – not another re-birth per se, but perhaps some more work on releasing and letting go of stuff that doesn’t serve me.
…
As for the lump in my boob; being a winner and a lucky star tells me that the lump is of no importance, and that while cancer is spread out through my family on both mom’s and dad’s side where some have died fairly young, it is not my truth. The lump in my boob may serve as a reminder that I do have a body, and that I should put some mental focus on it to strengthen my perception of it as a healthy and beautiful vehicle that I live in.
And considering what kind of a mother I had, and the selfimage she had, I am proud to say that I do not see myself as a victim here. On the contrary. Obviously, weird things sometimes happen, for whatever reason – but I refuse to be a victim, to be felt sorry for, to suffer and expect special treatment, and so on. I just won’t do it.
I am not my mother – I am myself.
And according to my new agreement with myself, I am a winner and one lucky star. I am going to walk away from this proudly, with my back straight and be bloody happy that I am who I am. ♥