Chemo update II
I’ve been writing about this, mainly on Darkside, but I thought I’d just make some sort of update here as well. I’ve recieved my second chemo, and am presently experiencing the worst days of the three week cycle. It sucks.
I will admit; I am sick and tired of this already. I am so sick and tired of this fatigue, of the complete lack of energy, lack of desire to do anything at all, lack of – everything. Existing is a struggle, due to the chemo rushing through my entire system. I’ve now spent two days beyond exhausted – I described it as being exhausted on a cellular level, and the level to which that’s true, is almost ridiculous.
At the moment, I find it both hard and difficult to find anything positive with this. I told an acquaintance about ten days ago that this entire experience might be the result of the goal I set for myself exactly one year ago (for the New Year of 2022) – to learn and practise presence and awareness.
Well, let’s just say that I am very aware that I do have a physical body. I am very much forced to live inside it during the (thankfully few) worst days after recieving my chemo. And everything is affected – not just physically, but mentally, intellectually, spiritually – everything. It really does suck.
This time around does differ a bit from last time, though. The first time, I started noticing little things happening the same evening. This time, it took about three days before the full effect kicked in. Last time, I felt more ill – this time, I’ve been more effected by the fatigue. Last time, the shots I have to take for eight days, gave me such pain I cried like a child for an entire day until I realized I could take pain killers. This time, I’ve hardly felt any pain at all.
But it’s a bit funny, once the fatigue starts to wear off. I’m still exhausted, but it is quite clear when that thick fog lifts from the mind, and I can start thinking more clearly again. I’m still tired as hell, but I do appreciate my mind – that really is my greatest asset, and I like it intact. I prefer it intact.
By tomorrow afternoon or so, I’m hoping that the worst will be over, and that I’ll start to feel better.
Some other things I’ve noticed lately are how I don’t really care about my looks. A friend helped me remove my hair couple of weeks ago, and while I don’t like or recognize what I see in the mirror, it still holds very little importance. Nor do I care much of what I wear and how that makes me look. I just want all of this over and done with, so I can feel better physically.
And that’s what I am latching onto. The fact that with every day that passes by, I am one day closer to the end of this treatment. I’ve done two chemo treatments, which means there are only four to go. In about two weeks, I’ll have my third – and that means I’m half way through. And the last three treatments are kinder, or so I’ve been told – which hopefully means I won’t be feeling as exhausted as I am now.
And once I’m done, I can start living again. I can start growing my hair back. I can start caring how I look. I’ll regain my mind, so I can use it properly. I’ll regain my energy, I can start working towards my usual goals again. I can find, build and maintain relationships. I’ll be able to walk my dog properly. All the things that I can’t really do right now, and it pisses me off beyond belief that it has to be this way.
In the end, I’m sure I’ll have learnt plenty. I’m learning already. But like everything through which I’ve learnt, I feel like the level of hardship is stronger than I’d have thought necessary. But then again, perhaps that’s needed so I can start feeling that I deserve better – for real.
But then again; while I find this obscenely tedious and tiresome, I also find it quite interesting. It’s like an adventure, of sorts. I wake up every day wondering just how I’m going to feel today. Yesterday, I spent slumbering all day, until late evening. Today, I was less tired, but by evening, I started feeling waves of various effects. My heart was working quite hard for a while, for example.
And I’ve come to realize – and accept, that while I don’t want to eat sugar, I think I actually have to, at certain times. When I have my worst days, when my energy levels are at the lowest bottom, my usual food isn’t enough. I need fast carbs, and loads of it, to raise my energy levels. Today, I stuffed myself with cheese cake, ginger bread and cream – and it actually did help. Not back to top level – but enough to actually make a difference. The slow energy I get from proteins and fat is not enough to make that difference. So I’ve accepted that – during chemo, there will be an intake of sugar, regularily. I’ll go back to how I like to eat, once this treatment is over.
And now, I need to work on getting some stuff done, so I can go to bed. Hopefully waking up to a better day tomorrow. Let’s hope I manage to collect the energy to get my house hold chores done.