Chemo, update I
It’s been couple of days since my first chemo – technically, it’s Tuesday (2.08am), thus five days since my first chemo. It’s been some really weird days, and I wanted to write somethings down, just to remember since I fear this may be hidden in haze once this is all done.
Thursday – D-day, I was high on adrenaline all day, despite the fact I slept only three hours before my first chemo. The treatment itself was clinical, boring and very uneventful. I sat on a hospital bed with the chemo dripping into my arm. Me and Marina, who most graciously will be driving me to and from the hospital, and who has my eternal gratitude for that.
The rest of Thursday was quite boring, and didn’t show much signs of what was just done.
Friday, however – that’s when it started. I sat up superlate on Thursday, and slept late Friday. I woke up feeling a bit tired, with that slight feverish sense all over my back. As the days has passed by, that slight sense of being ill has grown stronger. Fortunately, I haven’t been sick, as in vomiting. Vomiting is among the most gross things I know, so I’m grateful I haven’t had to. Not even close to.
It’s only been a few days, and yet it feels like my whole body is under attack. I am tired – exhausted beyond words. I have no energy whatsoever – just standing up is a project that takes an hour of planning. Walking Boyo is.. well, it’s possibly, but very tiresome. I have done yoga almost every day, and that does feel good, but is a bit tiresome as well. I’ll keep at it, to the extent of my ability, though, because I do believe it’s good for me.
Eating. On Friday, I was repulsed by the idea of food. It took me all day to manage to make something to eat, and to actually eat it. It’s been better since then, but I am still not particularily enticed by the idea of food. If possible, I think I’d prefer not to eat – but I really need to, so I do. Doesn’t taste much, though.
Yesterday (Sunday, that is), I took my first self-administered shot to boost my immune system. I was scared of it at first, because I don’t like needles, but it worked out just fine. The downside to it is the absurd amount of soreness/pain to the skin. I am sore beyond belief from my ears down my throat and collarbone, and my neck and shoulders. It hurts to the touch, which is highly annoying trying to lie down to sleep. Pain killers does help a bit, but not 100%.
Then there’s the fog. Not a visual fog, but it feels like the body is under such strain that it sort of kicks of brain functions. I’m not really here, in my body. It’s like dissociating, yet not quite like that. Just – body and mind aren’t really connected. The lack of a sense of reality is quite strong – it is so, so very weird.
I think that this sense of non-reality is necessary. The strain put on the body right now is more than anyone should have to go through – at least not as a remedy for a desease. This is inhuman, and in order for the body to cope and manage, the mind has to be let go. So I guess I’ll just have to find a way to keep them connected, while apart. Especially since I worked so hard to actually connect body, mind and soul.
Which reminds me of few other physical things to remember. No constipation, no diarrhea, but not normal poop either. I’ve been burping more than I usually do – not sure if it’s connected. I feel weak, slightly dizzy, lacking physical balance, and I find that my body doesn’t really hold itself together like it should (pretty much like when I’m really tired, or the temperature/humidity is not in my favour).
Right now, it seems like all I’m waiting for is the moment this will stop – and then feel at least fairly all right until it’s time for another round of chemo. And I’m – well, not ok, but at least fairly, grumpily ok, with feeling like this for a number of days – if I know it’ll get easier in between. Since this is the first time, I don’t know how many days that’ll be yet, if I’ll have any release at all. Could be that I feel like crap all the way through this entire thing. But I am keeping all my fingers crossed that I get some at least fairly normal time.
I have also realized that none of this is what I expected. I thought I had at least some idea of what this would be like, but it turns out – I had no bloody idea. And noone could’ve described it properly either. It doesn’t feel like anything I ever been through before. All the hardships I’ve lived through has been psychological – this is a completely different feeling-bad-situation, which I am totally unaccustomed to. I do feel a bit overwhelmed.
This is an extremely uncomfortable experience. Earlier today, I actually cried like a child, wanting dad. I was so sore, it really hurt, it didn’t stop, and I just wanted to talk to him, have him tell me everything was going to be all right, and also to compare experiences. Unfortunately, for obvious reasons, he wasn’t there. And so I cried, and cried, and cried.
Being in the beginning of this experience is very tiresome. I prefer to be in control, and I have no control over this, whatsoever. I don’t know what is happening next with my body, how I’m going to react to it, when it’s going to stop – and the idea of life being like this for months ahead… well, let’s just say I’m not happy about it. It’ll take quite some time to recover from this, once it’s done.