On trust issues

One thing I find ridiculously annoying, is how easy it is to throw me off my feet. Slightest hint that I am doing something wrong, have done something wrong, am something wrong, or anything to my disadvantage, shatters my entire view of the world and creates a tornado in my core, to the length where I don’t really know who I am anymore.

This really is extremely annoying. I would prefer to stay focused, in sync with myself (sitting right in my body), being that unshakeable person who just strides on. But I’m not.

I find this curious, though. I visualize myself being on a very wide road, so for me to actually fall off the wagon is highly unlikely.

But then again; most of the times, I think, when these things happen, they happen because of a conflict between my world view, and how most people view it. Most people are not ready to see or even try to understand my philosophy, and they appear to get angry when they don’t understand.

Whatever the reasons, I need to understand them so that I can keep myself straight and not pay attention to what they say.

And it’s not that I become unsure of myself. On the contrary, I know I am living my truth. I think it is a residue from growing up with my parents; when having an idea, a dream, that idea/dream would be shattered because one or both of them just wouldn’t believe in it.

Perhaps it is as easy as this; because I grew up with my parents, I never learned to believe in myself, and I needed recognition from people on the outside. I have, now that I think about it, always relied on other people to know that I exist.

Perhaps this is a question about further establishing my truth within myself, so that it cannot be touched, tainted, rotten, by other people’s ideas.

Because I think that might be the problem; when someone who has nothing to do with my choices, my idea of what’s right, how things work et cetera, decides to get into my business, I get confused, scared that I might after all actually am doing something wrong, and from there everything just escalates.

In this sense, I consider myself rather susceptible. Quite naive, in a sense. It is not a quality I am ok having. And yet, somewhere in there, I still do have a core made of rebar and crystals. I know very well who I am, what I am meant to do, what I am here to do.

I just, obviously, don’t know how to deal with people who cannot see through the fogs of reality, which really are nothing else but a bunch of agreements, combined with greed, hunger for power, et cetera.

And while I remember it, I shall take a moment to express my gratitude towards myself for writing this post. I was very confused when I started, but I am becoming more and more clear the more I write.

So how the hell do I do this, then?

I have no idea. 😅

Well, I think I may have a few ideas. First of all, I really need to re-focus on creating and maintaining my balance. I may need to put up some defences towards people aiming ill will at me, but we’ll see about that. And then again, perhaps I do need to do just that.

What really is important is to find trust. In myself, in my capability to create my reality, in who I am, who I want to be. A skill to learn is to not let all that negative energy disturb my peace.

One question that arises is if there’s any difference between trust in relationships and trust in a manifesting process.

So let’s look at it. No need to change if we don’t want to, but let’s take a look.

Lacking trust; I think that I am lacking trust because I never really experienced that I got what I needed. I’ve always been left with a void of emptiness in my chest, and nobody has ever given enough, or they have pulled back what I needed. Thus, my lack of trust has to do with fear or being tricked, being left because I have needs, and probably loads of other stuff just like it.

Perhaps a good thing to think of is that none of what I wrote above, is true. They are my issues, and none of them actually needs to be an issue unless I want them to.

After all, I am an adult. These issues belong to the Child Who Was I. She’s behind me, even if we are the same.

Bloody hell, this post really is catharsis.

As a matter of fact, I think perhaps it’s time to start a more serious spiritual undertaking again. I think catharsis is just what I need. Will it solve all my problems? I have no idea. But it can’t be harmful, on the contrary.

I need to think about how to do this, because this time, it’s going to be some serious stuff that needs to go.

Again, I need to express my gratitude for starting to write this post. I feel like I’ve actually come a long way just by doing that. Imagine how far I’ll go when going deeper into it.

It’s funny how some things are true to me in oh, so many ways. For example, my belief that I am my own, best teacher.