One big step

It would be an complete lie to say that I’ve lived without shame or guilt.

One of the things I’ve been ashamed of, not to mention felt guilty about, is where I live. Well, perhaps not so much where I live, but how I’ve lived here, and what it looks like.

It is so torn down. Wallpapers falling from the walls, paint coming off cupboard doors. It looks like crap, and I’m ashamed to bring people home (unless I know them very well and they’ve been here before).

This is about to change.

And I feel like it is a hugely important step for me. A step towards feeling more like a human being, and not so much like a.. not-human.

My apartment is to be renovated, starting in just couple of days. I found out yesterday morning, and am more or less consumed by it.

This is huuuuge!!! This is so bloody huge!!!

My apartment looks much like how I sometimes feel, and I’m not sure which is a reflection of the other. Perhaps we reflect each other, I and my apartment.

Living in one place for a long time tends to create loads of stuff. It also tends to create loads of dust and dirt – especially with animals sharing the space.

This feels like a renewal of my entire life. My home will finally look nice. I am seriously considering doing a heavy cleanup, throwing out loads of old stuff that I don’t use anymore (if I have anything that I don’t use – I did this right after chemo therapy, and that’s not too long ago).

Regardless of throwing stuff out or not; this is going to feel so good. It does lift my entire being to a whole new level.

I get to be a person again, a full person with a nice home. Even a person with two whole freezers – my own, and I’m also getting one from my landlord through this renovation.

I mean, come one.. how cool is that!?!?!??? 😮

The pieces are coming together, one by one. While this may not appear to be very spiritual at first sight, there are so much that I can connect with my spiritual growth, into this.

Self-worth. Self-image. Self-love.

And so much more. My life is moving from chaos overload (long time ago), through all those steps towards becoming a worthy human being, not only in my own eyes, but also in the eyes of others.

It also gives me a fresh start when it comes to so many things within my home. This time – since I’ve lived here for so long, I am going to take good care of my home.

Always, when thinking about this process, I’ve wanted to buy so many new things that I need. And I’ve always thought about it as in; I want all of it at once.

I do realize, however, that’s not going to happen. So I am playing tetris in my mind, trying to figure out how to re-arrange my place, to fit my needs as they are now.

And I may actually succeed. We’ll see in a few weeks.

For now, this moment, I’m going to finish my tea, then return to my living room to continue preparing for the renovation to start there.