My contact with the spirits, guides, power animals et cetera, existing in the world found on the inside of my skull, has gotten stuck. Again. This does happen ever so often, and stays stuck for periods of time, of various lengths. This time, it’s been couple of days, and I am already getting restless.
I feel so spoiled, during the days when I do get in touch. When I manage to penetrate the veil and actually connect. It doesn’t really matter how or what the experience is, but it is soooo cool. I do understand why they withdraw from me – to give me time to let it all sink in, unpack whatever information they have left for me, and understand in depth.
But I have to admit; when I don’t get in touch, I become slightly frustrated. Sometimes, even more so. I want to move forward, and while my mind and my soul is working to understand what they have previously told me, I’m not really concious about what’s going on in there. I’m just out here, passing time. I tend to get bored.
Especially when what I want to work on is so important as it is right now. Oh, I’ll admit – all the work I do is important. Everything that has been done since I began journeying through my yoga, has been incredibly important. But right now – it feels like an important step, and I want to move beyond it. I want to be on the other side of it already.
I feel like an impatient child, sometimes. 😀
That which is going on is the filtering of emotions, to clear out that which isn’t needed, to release and let go of everything that weighs on me. Not necessarily an easy task. Especially not since I feel like I’ve been doing this for a while. Obviously, I’m not done yet.
And just as a side note; I really do believe that all of those things are what has built up everything I want to get rid of, on my body. Part of my yoga journey is to (lose weight; I never thought that to be possible through yoga, and) reshape my body. To make my body mirror my mind and my soul, so there are three equally beautiful parts of one whole.
Oh, and that’s one very interesting point to look at. The idea that what’s on my inside is beautiful. I’ve spent my entire life detesting myself – and in the beginning of my journeying through yoga I wanted to create myself as one enormous treasure. I created an image of one enormous pile of – sort of a pirate’s treasure, in one of those beautiful coffins, and that would be me.
That’s where I’m at. Finally. I see myself as a treasure – my own treasure, but hopefully, eventually, also someone else’s.
But I want my vision of myself as a treasure to be balanced, proportioned, equal in all parts. And to get there, I need my body to transform, to change. I’ll say this, though – my body has already transformed more than I would ever have thought possible. Having done that, I now know it’s possible – thus I get greedy, and want more. I want to feel just as beautiful on the outside, as I do on the inside.
So I get it. I do understand why, and that I need to rid myself of the excess of negative, destructive emotions and patterns. I have rarely been more certain that all my negativity and destructive patterns are what has built everything I want to get rid of, on the outside of my body.
And come to think of it, at this precise moment in time, there’s a whole shitload of stuff I could use getting rid of. There’s a situation where I do suffer from patterns I’ve brought with me since I was a child – abandonment issues, lack of feeling that I exist for someone else, and so on. I know why the situation is what it is, and I also know that my reactions to it, are my own.
This is why they give me space and time, to realize and understand.
I think that there may be more lessons to be learned in this, than I realized. Obviously. Some of them are beginning to wake up in this very moment, but I think it’ll take some time before I fully understand.
My guides and power animal never leave anything out. My power animal in particular, is quite the expert at letting things unfold, connecting dots between things not obviously belonging together. I do confess being in awe of her. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for her chosing to guide me on this journey. I really hope she’ll stay with me.
I think, and I hope, now that this specific door has begun to open, I will recieve further.. perhaps not instructions, but more information and guidance on how to proceed.
But I think – I think, that perhaps this is all about the art of letting go. Depending on what it is, I can be quite good at letting go. But obviously, I still have a lot to learn.
And just for the record, I replied to a post on Facebook the other day – just about the letting go rather than forgiveness (when it comes to narcissistic mothers).
