This is exclusevely focused on the lump I found in my left boob, which turned out to be a tumour. Breast cancer. It’s quite something to take in, to process, but I have enormous loads of gratitude in this odd situation. Let’s get started.
My own reaction
I must’ve grown more than I ever thought possible for the last X number of years, because my reaction to this situation is beyond belief. I’m not particularily worried about the tumour itself. Rather I’m annoyed with this whole thing, because it disturbs my daily routines, my routines with the dogs that I daycare, it messes with my finances and causes issues with Boyo.
But that’s pretty much what I do find annoying with this. I’m not scared, which I think many people would be. I’ve said this several times to the people I feel need to know about this, so it feels like I’m repeating myself – but to remember it for myself… I see this tumour as an uninvited tenant, that my body decided to produce all by itself without asking my permission. This rude tenant is to be evicted on Tuesday (I’m writing this at night between Friday and Saturday), and there’s that. So at the moment – yes, I do have (a) cancer. On Tuesday, I won’t.
Other people’s experience
I have friends who’s gone through this entire process. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude that they have, because it is so incredibly helpful. These people know exactly what I’m going through, the questions I have, the issues that I do worry about (finances, for example), all the thoughts rushing through my head, and even more. They are so helpful in preparing me of what’s to come, to ease my concerns, and I am so incredibly grateful for this.
My own mind
If there’s anything I’m good at, it is processing and thinking things through. When I discovered this lump, I was terrified for perhaps two days. Then I decided to ignore it until I knew more. After the first examinations, I got worried. Needing an MRI made me even more nervous. So for about 10 – 14 days, I’ve been ruminating. The worst part being not knowing what to worry about, so I had to worry about everything.
Now that I do know that it is a tumour and at least the first step on this journey, I feel like I am processing this quite quickly. Sure, it takes every ounce of energy that I have – but it also does move forward quite efficiantly. I am ever so grateful for my ability to do this, and to do it in a good, healthy way. I really work hard on creating and maintaining a positive mindset for this.
Rational thought
My entire life, I’ve been stuck in a certain mindset inherited by my mom. I have friends who have taught me how not to be caught up in the terror of something, but rather accept it and find that mindset to move on and walk right through that which for one reason or the other is unpleasant.
Spiritual connections
I have to admit that I am grateful (and secretely impressed by) for my spiritual conviction and practise. One of the things I’ve thought about the last couple of days is that this tumour might be what remains of everything I worked on expelling through my re-birth process. All those things that was left behind, and now they have manifested physically into a tumour that needs to come out – and is to be removed in a few days.
But that’s not all. I’ve been thinking about to perhaps find a way to protect my body from any further intrusions like this, not to mention from the side effects of the medication I’m going to have to take for some years ahead.
I really do like, enjoy and feel grateful for the fact that (while the door may be closed presently) I do have connections in the spiritual world, and that I do have tools to choose from.
Selfknowledge
This is a situation where I’m extremely happy that I know myself so well. Not only my mind, my emotional world, but also my body and the connections inbetween. I know what kinds of food that works for me, and why the rest doesn’t. I know what my body needs to feel good, and I know why it doesn’t feel good (when it doesn’t). This is worth soooooo much.
Yoga
I am incredibly grateful that I have my yoga. Not only is it good for my body, it also provides me with the opportunity to focus on both body and mind. Now with this up-coming surgery, I’ve come to realize I may need to re-think my practise, to work better for the probable loss of mobility in my left arm – at least for a while. My goal is to achieve as much mobility as possible, depending on just how much my arm is affected by the surgery.
