Rebirth
So, perhaps five months or so ago, I recieved a new power animal in one of my journeys. She was very insistant, and forced her way through. I’ve never had an experience like that, so needless to say, I was flabbergasted. She brought news – among others that I was to go through some sort of re-birth.
Naturally, I was wondering how and what, and when to expect this rebirth to take place. I got the feeling it would happen sometimes during spring – around April or so. She also told me she wanted me to have something to hold – which I interpreted as a child, of some sort. Of course, with the exception that I don’t have children, and I’m in menopause so the likelyhood that I’ll get any at my age is quite small. Not to mention the fact there are reasons why I don’t have any children.
I’m still not sure of what she meant about that having something to hold-comment, but the rest of it is becoming clearer to me as time passes by.
The image I had in my head of this rebirth, was that I was supposed to perform some sort of ritual, getting rid of whatever stuff I want to get rid of – pain, fear, grief and so on. However; these last few days I’ve come to another conclusion.
I find myself in a completely new situation, where I have invested myself emotionally quite deeply. The journey has been quick and intense, but is now halted – not by my own choice, but by the other part. This is tricky, mainly for me, because I don’t know how to react – but more importantly, I don’t know a decent way to react, to think about it, to act and behave.
The greatest gift I’ve ever given myself is some fifteen years or so, where I’ve torn down and rebuilt my own sense of SELF. This may sound odd, but I never developed a sense of SELF as a child, due to my covert narcissistic mother. I have gone from not being a person, just an existence, to having a rather strong SELF.
Until this situation. And there are insights and understanding involved in this.
Being with people I know well, people who I know love me – that’s where and when I have no problems maintaining this sense of SELF, because it is rather similar to what they have always percieved me to be. Meeting someone new, where the emotional investment is more intense and risky, that’s where I start reverting to my old habits of backing away, putting the other person’s needs before my own, at the cost of my own well-being.
And that’s where this whole business of rebirth come in.
A completely different interest of mine reminded me of what it feels like to put my own interests and needs first. Sounds very egoistic, and in a sense I suppose it is – but also very necessary for me, at this time. It reminded me that I do have a spine, a core – and that it’s ok to use them.
It is sometimes difficult to understand what those on the inside of my skull means when they communicate. I rarely speak with them through words. Well, I personally speak – they give me packages of compressed information through experiences or emotions, and then it’s up to me to understand and make sense of it. Which is way easier said than done, sometimes. 😀
That being said; what I do believe this rebirth is meant to do is – not necessarily to get rid of a lot of stuff. I’ve already done that through extensive journeying (which I do during my yoga practise). I think that this rebirth is making sure that I remember who I am, even when presented to new situations where I am new, raw and uneperienced. I think it’s meant to harden my core and my spine, so I don’t bend over and become something that I don’t want to be.
A very effective way to remember, to enforce that sense of SELF.
And I must admit – I am amazed that this interest of mine showed me how to do just that. It’s funny how these things work. One thing lead to another, and something you started many years ago presents unexpected results now. I would have never guessed that this specific thought would have come to mind, right here, right now.
I think that this is a process. I think I’ll like who I am when it’s done. I think that I will be – not more selfish, because that’s not what I mean, but…Â more interested in caring for myself in terms of self-love and self-respect. In the not shattering myself for the benefit of others – especially since they probably wouldn’t understand what it is that I do (or don’t do) or why.
You have no idea how exciting it is to understand all this. I don’t think I’m done with the understanding – I’m quite sure there’s more to it. It just hasn’t unfolded quite yet. My power animal is a smug one, but obviouslys he knows what she’s doing. I haven’t known her for that long, but she seems to know which dots to connect, and how to make me understand – over time, obviously.
Nothing is what it seems with her. It makes it very interesting, having her as my power animal. When she presented herself to me, I cried. I don’t think I have the words to express my gratitude, even though she sometimes refuses to connect with me when I ask for her guidance. It’s like she wants me to do most of the work by myself, to find out most of the answers on my own. She’s funny like that. And the other guides/spirits in there follow her lead. If she doesn’t respond, neither do they.