Rethinking process
Third day after surgery, and I’m still exhausted. A little less exhausted than yesterday, but still – tired as hell. I am beginning to realize that perhaps I need to start a new thought process about this. I’m a bit perplexed about it, but perhaps I do need to.
I’ve tried so hard, even for myself, to think of this whole process as if it’s nothing. And in one sense, it is nothing. The tumour in my boob is nothing more than a prank produced by my body, and now, post surgery – it is gone. So what is there to worry about?
Still, I have gone through surgery. Still, I have gone through couple of weeks with intense processing of thoughts and ideas about life that I’ve never processed before. Not for myself, anyway. I’ve never been in this position, and it is weird, it’s odd, it’s strange. And yet – not necessarily scary. It is all very confusing, but I’ve been my own stubborn self and refused myself to react anymore than that.
And here I am, post surgery, realizing that I am so bloody exhausted for more than one reason. Obviously from the surgery – a surgical intervention has been done to me. But also from all those thoughts, all those questions, all the worries I had – mainly about the surgery, but about everything else as well. While my mind is gigantic, all these thoughts, questions, worries et cetera, were almost too big – at least in the amount of time I had to process.
And now that the tumour itself is gone, I find that my body and my mind are not at all in sync. We are so out of sync that it’s almost ridiculous, and that in itself is tiresome. I’ve bounced into realizing, processing and somewhat accepting that I had a tumour in my boob. Not I need to realize, process and accept that I don’t.
Furthermore, it is extremely tiresome to realize that I need physical rest before I can start my yoga practise again, and that when I do, I need to adapt it to the new physical conditions, what with the healing and all.
Spirit-wise, the only connection I can see is that this should somewhat be able to make me find the bridge between body, mind and soul, and start to use it like people without trauma do naturally. I am so used to living inside my head, in my mind, that I rarely connect fully with my body. This year alone, I’ve gone through two processes where I’ve been forced into my body – first by getting to know the English-man living in Uppsala, and now this, with the tumour in my boob – which is now gone.
I think what bothers me the most is how this interrupts my everyday life, and the routines I’d built for myself to make it work. Not only with the financial situation, but my daily routines, and how pleased I’ve been with my own personal and spiritual growth. Being where I am right now feels like I am forced to take a break, and that is something I’m not very happy with. It’s like being forced to take a really good look at myself, not liking what I find to 100%.
Not to mention – I really don’t like feeling or acting vulnerable. I don’t like feeling weak, and I find myself prying away from it as much as I can.
So perhaps I should give myself that. See this as an opportunity to allow myself to be just that – vulnerable. That which I dislike about myself the most. Or perhaps even fear the most. To be what leaves me the most open to external danger. Perhaps that is a lesson worth learning through this experience – vulnerability.
And let me remind myself that that, being vulnerable, scares me much more than having had a tumour, or learning what treatment I’ll get from now on.
Regardless how scared I might be of my own vulnerability, I intend to stay positive and on top of this. I have every intention to not let this pull me down, and I am going to get through it with as little damage as possible. I can do that, and learn to be vulnerable at the same time. Perhaps it is even necessary and not possible to avoid.
I’m glad I chose to use this blog to write about this. I’ll write a little bit about it on the original Eye C : Recovery as well, but here I can write the most open.
And I’m also incredibly happy with how my mind works, and how I see connections and what can be learned everywhere.
I am going to allow myself to take my tired body and mind and start getting ready to get some sleep. It’ll take me at least an hour and it’s past midnight, so I should really get started.