First boob sadness
So, I’m experiencing my first wave of grief in this situation with my boobs. Or, boob. For the past couple of days, I’ve begun to realize that I now have one boob which will probably be about half the size of the other one. It saddens me – a lot, actually. I didn’t think it would, but it does.
I’ve been so set on the idea that this is nothing, it’s just my body pulling a prank on me. I’ve convinced myself, and probably most people around me, that I’m ok with it.
And in a sense, I am.
In another sense, not at all. I still feel that the tumour is gone, and good riddance. I still don’t worry too much about what happens next – I won’t know for another almost two weeks, so why worry about it now. Something will happen, that’s the important part.
What does bother me, however, is that I am lacking half of my boob. It messes with my view of myself as a woman. And it’s very interesting, considering I’ve been thinking about womanhood a bit, due to my friend Tone, the transwoman who recently begun her journey to transition into a woman. We’ve talked about female attributes, of which boobs are quite a large part. I just never thought that my own would be affected this way, nor that I myself should be so affected by in reality having 1,5 boobs.
And I’m sad about it. I keep thinking ahead, wondering what it’ll be like when it comes to wearing bras, what kind of bras I’ll be wearing, if I’ll get a prosthetic or if I can somehow get a reconstruction. I’d really prefer a reconstruction, because I think that this will make me feel quite bad about my physical appearance. Sure, being at home with the dogs and my cat, it doesn’t really matter. They don’t care at all.
But I do.
I do care. A lot, as I’m becoming aware of. I feel maimed. I feel handicapped, sort of. And I don’t like it. And I don’t think it’s fair. My life’s been bad enough as it is, I don’t need this too.
And so I keep thinking about what can be done, and how. Is it possible to grow my breast back through the law of attraction? I’m not entirely sure I can do that. Can I get a reconstruction surgery through the Swedish health care – yes, probably, if they deem the damage big enough. I have no idea how that works. I just know that I feel like my boob is about half the size it used to be – and that’s when it’s still swollen and sore. What about when it’s fully healed – what will it look like then? Even smaller?
I want my boobs to be equal in size and shape, like they were before surgery. I want them to look nice in a bra, under my clothes. I want to feel even on both sides.
Everything went so fast, when I got the news that there actually was a tumour in my boob. Few days inbetween before surgery, and there I was, lacking half my boob.
It sounds like I’m ungrateful – I’m not. On the contrary, I am very grateful the tumour is gone. But the result of it is I am lacking in the boob area, and it is starting to hit me.
And quite aside all that grief, I started my yoga again. I waited six days, due to exhaustion, but after six days I felt it was time. I’m going very slow and easy, not to put any strain on the wound and the physical healing process. But I think it’s doing me good, and I focus on breathing in healing throughout my entire body. And I think I’m going to start breathing out to release and let go of grief and sorrow, and see what happens.
And thinking about it; wouldn’t it be just so cool if my boob would return to its original size and shape all by itself?