Lessons from cancer
Being who I am, I’m always interested in finding something to learn from what I experience. This whole situation with cancer is no different. Especially since it is not my first encounter with it. I lost both my parents, my granddads and my youngest uncle to cancer, so obviously there is something to be learned.
Given what I wanted to gain from this year (presence and awareness), it is somewhat logical to assume that one of the lessons from my tumour is the necessity to be present in my body. That’s not really something I’ve ever been, except for shorter periods of time. I had to dissociate to a certain degree from my mom’s narcissistic abuse, and sort of got stuck in that inbetween. I usually feel like I am soaring somewhere just outside my body, rarely grounded within it.
So, one lesson could most certainly be to learn how to become and stay present and grounded in my physical body. Even to remember that I do have a body, and perhaps even to even the balance between body, mind and soul. That could actually be something.
But it could just as well be something that has to do with my selfperception; learning to accept my body the way it is, not what it has been or will become. To sort of be more present and accepting of the moment, in a very physical manner. That, too, would be quite the achievement for me.
Another lesson to be learned is what is, and what is not, the end of the world. Losing parents, grandparents and an uncle, to cancer, is quite literally the end of the world – at least the end of their lives. But for me – it’s not. And it really is interesting how it’s never been the end of the world for me, this journey of mine.
Sure, the thougth has crossed my mind, I won’t deny that. But my mindset regarding this is.. remarkable, if I may say so myself. I would like to add to this, that I’ve learned this mainly through a friend who’s gone through this before (about eight years ago). I am forever grateful for learning that.
Oh, and also – not that I feel very grateful or happy about how I was brought up, but that is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Breast cancer does not beat that.
Something else that’s quite interesting is how I feel about my health in general. While I do of course be healthy in regard to cancer, it is of extreme importance to me that the rest of me is healthy as well. I will not accept imbalance between my physical and mental health. On this matter, I do feel a bit (!) rigid, actually. I just won’t accept physical health at the cost of my mental health. I’ve already gone through the worst years of my life, and I don’t wish to repeat it. I’ve worked extremely hard to find a way to live my life that actually works for me – including medications for my bipolar disorder and my pms.
Accepting help is something else that I need to learn. I haven’t really felt that I needed it, and depending on what happens next week when I’ll meet the surgeon again for further information, I’m not sure I’ll need it. That remains to be seen. But even if I’m not quite there yet, this is something that I need to work on. Asking for and accepting help, if and when I need it.
Oh, and there’s that thing with being vulnerable. That is something I really don’t like or enjoy. Being vulnerable. To me, being vulnerable is opening up for anyone to hurt you. That’s what I learned growing up. That’s why I shut it off to such a degree. It is not an easy thing to unlearn and relearn, but eventually I hope I’ll get there.
One kind of cool twist is that I found out my weight. I didn’t want to know, and there are reasons for that. It’s a small matter in these circumstances, but annoying nonetheless. The cool twist, however, is that while I may not be happy with it now, it also means that I have the joy of reaching my goal ahead of me. Which means more time to shift my mindset, getting used to being smaller than I’ve been since I was in my twenties. That in itself is quite a journey that I am going to spend time to enjoy.
So, all in all – not that bad, hmm? Cancer in itself sucks, but there are indeed some good stuff coming along with it.