Present fear
So, I’m closing in on surgery for the tumour in my boob. Today, tomorrow – and then it’s time to remove it. And for some reason, I am getting really, really nervous. Very close to fearful and terrified. I think what I fear the most is the surgery itself. I’ve never done that before, and therefore I’m scared. Not sure exactly why, though.
I am also a bit worried about what happens after surgery. Not so much with the treatment that may or may not occur (well, that too, but at the moment not so much), but rather – issues regarding mobility in my left arm/shoulder, when can I start practicing yoga again after surgery, how much of my mobility will I lose and can I regain it?
I find that I am immensely grateful for some of the teachings I have recieved from some of the spirits I’ve encountered. The whale, teaching me how to release and let go of all that which is not supposed to be contained in my body. The snake, teaching me how to shed layers of myself and leave it behind. These things are extremely useful right now. Knowing how to detach from the tumour – and that, I’ve done ever since I found out. I am not my tumour, the tumour is not me. It’s just an unwanted tenant that needs to be evicted.
So, while I may have breastcancer right now, on Tuesday after surgery, I won’t.
It’s quite handy, isn’t it?
I’ve also learned that if there’s something that I should not do, it is to not read about cancer. Yesterday I googled a little on the specific cancer that’s residing in my boob, and while informative, I found myself getting more scared. That is not what I want for myself, so I’m going to ignore it from now on and just go with the flow and do what I’m told by the doctors (or, at least do what I’m told – my way).
These few days before surgery, I’ve been told not to take certain medications. My Litium, for one. This is day three without it – and had it not been for upcoming surgery, I’d have been fine without it. I can go up to three months without my mood starting to swing. But with the stress and pressure of this, I could really have used it. It’s a good thing, though, that there are only for a few days. I’m just going to take for granted that I can start up on Tuesday when I get back home.
I’m a bit stressed out over the fact that I have a rather large sewing project that needs to be done, preferably before surgery. I need a winter coat since I lost so much weight, but I find it difficult to concentrate and focus. I’m even considering skipping yoga today and possibly tomorrow, although I do believe it’d do me good to get that done as well. Not sure if there are any requirements of how I should feel, react or force myself to perform whatever duties right now.
Perhaps I should just allow myself to go through these days before surgery, doing what I can master and let myself off the hook with the rest. Perhaps that is the kindest thing to do for myself.
And perhaps, although the door to my spiritual realm has been closed for a long time, I should try to access it to get some support and help to deal with this. I certainly understand that they want me to deal with as much as possible on my own, but at the moment I wouldn’t mind some spiritual support.
And perhaps I should also keep on focusing on thinking myself past this. It’s an obstacle for sure, but it will pass – and quite soon, onto that.
There is so much to take in and process. I do feel a bit overwhelmed, there’s no point in denying that. I feel like I am dealing with this quite well, but that doesn’t mean there’s no wiggle room to freak out a bit. I just can’t allow it to take over, because I think that’d be really bad for me.
I just want this surgery to be over with. That’ll be one step on the way to full recovery. I have a worst case scenario and a superduper best scenario in my head. The worst case scenario is the need for chemo therapy – I’d really rather not. The best case scenario is them telling me that I don’t need chemo nor radiation – that I’m done after surgery, and all that’s left is the medication they’ll want me to take for five years. And that’s quite all right, and in my world, it’d be the absolute dream scenario.