Gratitude 220730
Today’s gratitude will be focused on the relationship I’ve had with the englishman living in Uppsala, for the past seven months. It’s been a long, long time since I dabbled in these things, and while this one didn’t work out – I still learned a thing or two from it.
I can feel again
I’ve gone for many, many years, thinking that I’ll never be able to feel for a person to a degree where I actually want to be in a relationship with them. I am so picky and have so high expectations (or at least I think I do).
But with this guy – he made me feel again, and that is worth quite something. It didn’t last very long, and over time those feelings turned around into dislike. But still – I did feel for him and I felt it very strongly.
Listen
There have been those little things that hasn’t felt quite right, already from start. I’ve noticed them, I’ve felt a bit odd about them, but decided to ignore them. I really should remember to listen to what my gut tells me.
Never ignore signs that doesn’t feel right.
No apologies
This guy somehow reminds me of my parents, and my constant need to explain myself, to find excuses and justify my needs and wants. I realize this has less to do with him and more to do with me, but at the same time – he makes me feel like this, and I’m not sure “normal” people do that.
What I learned from this is – don’t apologize, don’t excuse or justify, because it shouldn’t be needed.
Acceptance
While accepting a person for who they are is one thing, accepting certain behaviours is something completely different. A person who clearly doesn’t want enough of something is not worth giving this much time. Seven months may not sound like much, but to not even meet in this time when we live as close to each other as we do (me in Västerås, him in Uppsala) – that’s ridiculous.
Me, Myself and I
There are still stuff I need to work on. I still have trust issues deluxe that needs to be dealt with. I have no idea of how, but if nothing else, I myself deserve to work on it. It’s very tiresome not to trust, especially when it comes to people you think you’re in a relationship with.
…
So has there been good things with this?
Yes, it has. I’d lie if I said no. Unfortunately, quite soon after the first obstacle, things turned out quite chaotic – at least it seemed so to me. Day by day, those intense feelings I had for this guy were weakened and eventually turned into dislike.
One other thing I learned from this guy is that the idea of being with someone who’s easy to live with, who doesn’t require that much thought – that’s not for me. I want and I need some intellectual resistence, someone who can question me, and someone who can meet me at the level where I’m at (regarding intelligence and mind). I just won’t be happy with a shallow person – and as nice as I’m sure he is, he also is shallow. At least to me.
…
As odd as it may sound, I actually am grateful over all this. I’ve learned a lot, and not all of it is too flattering for myself. But I’ll give myself some slack – I’m new at this. It’s been almost 20 years since I dabbled in relationships, I don’t know how to do it properly.
Another thing I am grateful for is that I finally got to end this. When I found the lump in my boob, I said that I wanted to meet him very soon, in case I’ll need any sort of treatment. He said he’d fix it, and we were supposed to meet today. I knew we wouldn’t, and I’ve waited eagerly for today so I could tell him that if we haven’t met in these seven months, we won’t meet at all.
So while it was fun while it lasted (especially in the beginning), I am very grateful it’s over (even though he hasn’t read my message yet).
…