Post surgery
I’ll just use this blog to write about this, since I want to keep it away from social media as much as possible. I really don’t want the over-sympathy that people tend to express, or the fear and turning away. I’m used to dealing with heavy stuff by myself, and I have the support I need.
Post surgery. Two days ago, I had breast cancer. Now, I don’t. I had the best team through surgery (or at least I think so, since I was deep down under). I don’t remember much from the days before – other than I spent all my time ruminating about what was coming. Not because I was scared of the tumour or the term cancer itself, but because I’ve never gone through surgery before. I had no idea of what to expect, what it’d feel like before and after, what it would look like at the hospital, what my boob would look and feel like afterwards, and so on.
I do feel lucky to have friends who’s gone through this before. I’ve had so many questions, so many thoughts, so many everything, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have someone to talk to about it. I’m not sure it’d have been as easy, had I not had that.
But bloody hell. What an experience. And it’s not fully over yet. In about three weeks, I’ll find out what happens next. At the moment, the tumour has been sent for analysis, so they can decide what further treatment I’ll get. I do know I’ll have to take some anti-hormones for few years ahead. Other than that, I don’t know for sure. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to go through radiation, which is fine. I am hoping I don’t have to do chemo therapy, because that is the one part of this that’d suck.
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There’s so much to say, yet nothing to say at all. I’m ok with all this. I had breast cancer, and now I don’t. What else is there to say, think or worry about? The treatments? Sure, I really don’t want chemo, but the rest of it is fine. It is what it is. But other than that, I’m fine. My boob looks and feels a bit different, for obvious reasons. I’m sore, but not in pain. At first, I decided to skip pain killers completely, but I’ve actually taken a couple since yesterday. Not because I’m in pain, but to help support my body in the healing process (Alvedon, to reduce possible tendencies to fever).
The worst part is how tired I am. Coming home after the surgery, I was surprisingly well. I didn’t feel like dancing about, but my head was clear and I was less tired than I thought I’d be. Yesterday, I was supertired, though. And today, let’s not even talk about it. I’m physically exhausted. Really soooo exhausted. I took Boyo to buy cigarettes, and that’s not a long walk, but I was exhausted when we got back. The only thing I’ve done today so far is buy cigarettes, have tea, I ate, and I’ve done some bead work (taking some necklaces apart, shortening few others). And aside from taking Boyo outside again, I won’t be doing anything at all. I’m too bloody tired.
To my advantage, I’ll say this – there’s nothing wrong with my head. Aside from being tired/exhausted, I feel ok. There’s no anxiety, no guilt, no shame, no nothing. It just is, and I’m extremely happy with the situation. There’s only one reason to feel sad, and that’s from being exhausted. But I’m not there yet, and hopefully my fatigue will pass sooner rather than later.
Insights that has come since surgery is when I’ll be able to start practising yoga again. I intended to wait couple of days and then get started, but feeling like I do now, it’ll take considerably more than that. The surgeon said I should wait couple of weeks – which feels like way too long, but I’ll wait at least until Monday. I’m also going to create a new standing practise where I don’t hit the floor at all, not to put any strain or weight on my left arm (it’s quite interesting to notice how many muscles are used to move and use your arm – in the side body and actually on the side of the boob itself). It annoys me, but I’ll just have to deal with it this way to protect my body from harm or damage.
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But I think that the one thing I am the most grateful for is how I react to this. I am ever so grateful to have gone through worse than breast cancer, because this can never beat growing up with my mom, and in parts – my dad. I feel like I may be provokingly positive about this, but I just can’t see it as a crisis or a serious trauma. I understand that others might, and quite possibly do – it’s just that I don’t. And that, combined with the fact I have no immediate family, no partner, no kids of whatever, to support me – I admit to feeling like I am stronger than most.
So, there’s a certain pride of myself – there’s no point in denying that.
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This post didn’t end up like I planned. 😀 I intended to write about all the things I don’t really remember from this past week, but it turned out to be just babbling. Oh, I suppose that’ll have to be all right. Perhaps these few days will forever be in a mist of vague memories, and that’ll have to be ok too. I’m just very pleased that it’s all done and over with. Whatever comes next – well, since the cancer is gone, it’s just treatment for it not to come back, and that’s a good thing. Oh, except of course for the pure, damn, bloody inconvenience of it – and that, it’ll be, regardless of how long (or short) time it’ll take. Not to mention, the absurd boredom of being tired like this – just like summer heat/humidity on my part. #eyeroll