A tricky one

Ever since I recieved the news that my apartment was up for renovation, I’ve been lacking control.

It’s super weird and equally annoying. It’s been about seven months now, and one would think I should’ve gotten back on track.

But I haven’t.

It’s all in the small things. The year started so well, what with my yoga practise, my eating, I even began smoking at the balcony instead of in the kitchen.

Smoking at the balcony, I still do. My yoga practise has a lot to recover from, though, as does my eating. My sleeping pattern is beyond just about anything and everything.

For some reason I feel like I am lacking in control. Not necessarily by much, but enough to not have a full grip on it. And this tends to seep into other areas of my life as well.

At this very moment, I am in need of new camera equipment. Photography, being my greatest passion and also what I am here to do, this is of course a very big deal for me. Especially when my present camera starts messing around, leaving me freaked out and stressed beyond what I can or want to handle.

Also, I’ve had a conversation with an unknown person at a dating site, and he asked me about being demisexual. I boiled it down to saying that I am emotionally independent, due to how I’ve lived my life, what I’ve been through, and that I have done so all by myself. The result is, at least has been for a long time and might continue to be so, that I don’t really feel that I need a partner – not for support, anyway.

It got me thinking, though, that perhaps I need to take a closer look at that. Because it struck me that what I may be lacking, is trust.

Not only trust when it comes to relationships, but also trust in universal, manifesting processes.

And that is something I really need right now.

Because this is how I see it;

I am meant to photograph. Seeing, watching, reflecting, storytelling – that is my purpose. I am meant to tell stories through photography.

I can’t do that, without equipment.

So naturally, I will recieve a new camera and everything else I need.

I just don’t know how. I’ve done what I can to kickstart the process – crowdfunding, I’ll save money myself, and I may even purchase a camera with a payment plan. As long as I get what I need.

But it’d be so nice, just for a change, to just – recieve it. To not having to freak out, to be stressed beyong healthy levels, to be limited by nothing else but my own mindset.

So this post is, I think, a sort of kick-off for myself, to start re-thinking when it comes to manifesting. I need to pick myself up from whatever victimized mindset I’ve been in, and collect that control I am so fond of, and actually need to function.

But these things needs trust. Which puts me back and taking a real good look at myself, finding out where and why I am lacking that trust, and then doing something about it.

Preferably, before my present camera gives up on me and dies completely.

One good thing is that I know I am good enough for this. It has nothing to do with my value, if I deserve it, or anything like so. I am good enough to have a camera to match, and I will soon be having it.

That much I know for sure. It can be no other way, to be honest. This is how it has to be.

And with that being said, perhaps I should go spend some time on my yoga mat. Yoga does have the effect of collecting myself and finding control. Perhaps I should even add some trust into that coctail.

Perhaps I should just do it, and start this journey right now.