I have a very interesting e-mail conversation with a guy I met online at FB Dating. We’ve never met, but we’ve kept in touch for the last 3 or 4 months. In his last e-mail, he mentioned the term routine, in another context than this, but it struck me – bloody fucking hell, that’s how I live. In a routine so slow and boring it’s killing all my engagement.
My life was boring before Covid. My life was boring before cancer treatments. My life after cancer treatments was extremely slow and boring, by necessity – I was burned out, and needed calm, peace and quiet to heal my brain, more than anything.
But as it’s close to a year since my last chemo, I am being bored out of my mind. My life looks exactly the same, every day.
I wake up. I go to the loo, put my clothes on, smoke a number of cigarettes, walk my dog, come inside, make food, eat, drink tea, smoke, watch some episodes of whatever series I am currently watching, number of hours later, I walk my dog again, come inside, feed the dog and the cat, drink more tea, smoke some more, watch more episodes, perhaps I knit or crochet for a while, then I do the dishes, wash my compression socks, then I drink some more tea, smoke some more, before I take my dog outside before we go to bed.
This is on repeat. Day in, day out.
And I seem incapable of changing it. There are many things I want to do, but I just don’t get around to actually do them. There are people I would like to see, but I don’t call them. My home needs some serious attention, but I don’t do that either.
Bloody hell, this really, really sucks.
So, it appears as if I’ve gotten stuck in a routine that doesn’t really serve me. Awareness is the absolutely first step into change, so that’s a good thing. Another thing, that I told a friend a while back, is that this life is so wasted on me. I’m too bloody clever to waste it on not using it, doing something with my life. Sure, I have obstacles that prevent me from a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean I have to pretend that I’m a zombie for the rest of my life. I can still live it.
It’s very annoying, because it feels like there are two of me. The physical me, who is the one living this boring haze of a life, and then the spiritual me, who is still doing some soulsearching and spiritual work. These two parts of me are not in sync. I would very much like my inside and my outside to be balanced. I would like to feel content, to feel like I actually want to participate and engage in everything I find important.
I really need to start figuring this out. How to find a focus, how to start collecting and directing my energy, instead of just letting it slip through my fingers. I feel like I’m wasting my life on nothing.
And I do have some clue as to why I feel this way. Considering my intense relation with my mother, I have this tendency of needing a counterpart to feel that whatever I do, is actually worth it. Doing it just because, doesn’t do it for me. I need some sort of resistence, a context in which to function. I worship and adore my animals, but unfortunately, they are not enough in that sense. They cannot give me the intellectual challenge that I need to feel like it’s worth engaging in pretty much anything.
Boredom is indeed a dangerous and frustrating thing. Routine, as well – obviously.
I need to do something about this – and quickly. I just have no idea of what, and how. Because of my lack of energy, because of my current sleeping habits that are way off, because of.. so many things.
Being retired from work is – well, in one sense, it’s not bad at all. It does give me all the time I need to pursue my many interests. That’s a really good thing. It is that whole thing with context that I feel I am lacking. I really need that, to function better, and to not be bored out of my mind.
