Chemo lessons
If I don’t misrecall, I wrote – or at least began writing a post about stuff that I am learning through my journey with chemo therapy. However, for the last couple of days, I’ve thought about it some more, and there are a few things that are getting more clear to me. My purpose with this post is to put words to some of them.
I’m about 1½ week into my fourth treatment – only two to go. Couple of days ago, I was in such a good mood, being extremely pleased with the fact that there are only two treatments left (and then radiation, of course, but I’ll be done with chemo). That good mood sent me into thinking about all the good stuff that’s coming from this.
Let’s face it. The chemo therapy itself sucks. It really, really sucks being constantly exhausted in all sorts of exhaustion you’ve never experienced before. Chemo does things to the body you never thought possible. It tears you down, and it does it good. It is extremely tiresome in more ways I could ever have imagined.
However.
It also forces you to learn things about yourself, that would’ve taken years and years to learn by your own. And all these things you learn, are for the good. These things will serve you well, once you get out of all these treatments and get back to life as you know it (or, at least – life after chemo, whatever that means).
One of the things I’m learning is to enjoy the moment rather than be impatient to reach the next. What I mean by this is; I am learning to accept that there is this and that much time left until next treatment, regardless of how much I want to be there NOW, so I can move on. Being me and knowing me, this is quite the lesson. This is exactly what I wanted to learn, and promised myself to work on for 2022. Oh, boy, am I being forced into the genuine understanding how to do that. 😮
I have also learned that two things can be done at the same time, when it comes to positive thinking, gratitude – and having bad moments in time. I have kept my ridiculously positive mindset throughout this entire process, but I have learned that it’s actually all right to have moments where everything feels like shit – and still be positive. Having bad moments does not have to ruin the overall positive mindset.
Another thing I’ve learned is to separate myself from my body. Growing up with my dad, specifically, who always told me to lose weight, has provided me with an enormous amount of shame and guilt. I am beginning to understand that my body does things all by itself, without asking permission – and that this is not my fault. I am beginning to accept my body for what it is, and it is the vehicle that I travel around, through my life, inside. I am also learning and understanding that my body is not the source of shame and guilt. It is what it is. I can of course influence the way my body look and feel, but it still lives its life without asking my permission.
I am also learning to take joy where I can find it. During the week following treatments, I am exhausted beyond description. I spend a lot of time watching tv series and Youtube videos – at the moment, loads of South African comedian Trevor Noah. I haven’t laughed much at all for many years, but I am slowly learning how to, and to accept the joy where I find it. I like, enjoy and appreciate it a great deal.
Then there’s the issue with boundaries. I am slowly learning to enforce the boundaries that I have, or need. Presently, during these treatments, I’ve put up boundaries for the dogs that I daycare. Two (out of three) are fine with this, whereas the third dogs human is messing around more than I like. If this doesn’t end very, very soon, I am most likely going to end our relationship myself – because at the moment, it takes more energy than it gives.
Another thing that I am slowly learning, is to be vulnerable. I am not used to show other people that I am vulnerable, but I do have a friend who has heard me cry out of fatigue, exhaustion, frustration and pain, more than once for the last few months. She is also the one person who has done the same journey, and validates that I am not making things up when I feel whatever I feel. I’m not used to that either, so it feels really, really good.
I’m also learning to listen to my body and trusting it’s telling me the truth about what it can and cannot do at this very moment. One example is; I haven’t practised any yoga for over a week, and I am beginning to realize that for the weeks (about a month, plus couple of weeks afterwards to recover), there may not be much yoga. Why? Because I am so tired. I’m not sure practising yoga would actually be very kind to my body, anylonger. Perhaps it is kinder to just allow myself to rest.
…
Clearly, I am learning quite a lot. And there’s loads of gratitude for that. It’s weird, being grateful for this experience, but once I’m done with chemo, it’ll be in the past. The suffering is real, but it is also limited.
I’m certain I’ll come up with more things that I am learning. I think there may be a few more things dealing with my body, but this’ll have to do for now. Oh, and another thing that I am grateful for is this; we do move through experiences, we never get stuck. Therefore; this experience will soon be over, and I can move on. And just as a side note – when I leave the hospital after my last radiation treatment, I am sooooo going to leave all this behind me.