Lack of –
I had an experience today, where someone brought me down from my high horses. I think and I feel like I am beginning to become an amazing person, for so many reasons. Yet, there are things about me that I’m not proud of, that I don’t particularily like or enjoy, and sometimes, even ashamed of. Especially when those things stop me from getting where I want to be.
I’m not entirely sure of why these things make me so uncomfortable, at such unease, so ashamed, so upset – and so pissed off. It’s like I feel challenged, somehow, and unable to perform. It could be some reminiscent from everything I learned from Ingegerd, that I somehow think of myself as perfect. I don’t quite understand it (yet!), and that annoys me too.
I need to get rid of this. I need to get rid of thinking that I’m perfect, that noone can touch me or get to me, that I can’t do anything wrong. Bloody hell, that these things even remain somewhere deep inside – that’s really fucked up, not to mention super annoying. It also stops me from getting what I want!
So how DO I get rid of it?
I have no clue.
One thing to do, I suppose, is letting go. Just releasing it, letting it go, and move on. Another thing is to re-create myself in the image I want to see myself in.
Another thing to work on is the feeling that I lack control. I really despise that feeling. I hate feeling like I’m out of control, that I have no choices – and that my choices are taken from me, even before I (didn’t) have them.
And come to think of it – I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Start working on creating and maintaining control. I love being in control. I love it! It makes me feel like a responsible adult, and that’s where I want to be.
And if I can create control, then, reasonably, I should be able to create, maintain and control – choices! I’d love to have the possibility to choose how I want to live my life, where I want to live it, with whom, and what I want to do with it. I never felt I had those choices – ever.
I knew there was a point with me writing this post, specifically. I have no idea of where or how to start, especially since I am in the lack-of-control-mode at this very moment. But that may be because I’m tired, and hopefully, I’ll feel a bit better after I’ve slept.
UPDATE, 2 seconds later!
Oh, something just struck me, just as I finished this post.
It struck me that another thing that these types of situations do, is make me feel like I am and do wrong. Just like I always felt with dad. That I am unable to perform correctly, that the way I choose to live is wrong. That I am wrong.
I never enjoyed that feeling, and now that I have managed to change so many other things within myself, I really don’t appreciate feeling like this again.
That leaves me with at least two things to work on.
Lack of control, and the feeling of being/doing wrong. Especially when I know that I haven’t done right by anything at all. In this case, I know I could and should have done differently – but I didn’t. I also know why I didn’t, but that’s not something that serves me now.
It’s a good thing my chemo treatments are almost done (last one next week!). Once I start recovering, I am going to break through that door my power animal and the rest of them, closed on me last spring. I think it’s time we had a little chat.